Dear, Mr. Vespa Guy

Dear Vespa Guy that lives on my block:

I haven’t met you. I think you have a cool ride and, since you have a ‘Modern Times’ decal on the fender of your scooter, I figure you have impeccable taste in libation, too. You generally park in a conservative fashion, that being a perk of owning something more sub- than a sub-compact. I’ve seen you sometimes–you have natty shoes and a long-hours job. In the morning, you leave to a job I’m unsure of with a neat cup of coffee in hand, and you sometimes return late. Sometimes you squeeze your Vespa in a bit too close to my driveway, but that’s alright.

Dear Vespa Guy: I did you a favor today. You parked parallel  to the curb last night, perhaps taking up five feet, and this morning your ride was littered with post-its and taped-on messages. Let’s review:

“Way to be a d**k. Stop taking up whole spots, you plebian. –Everyone Ever”

“I have diabetes you cis-hetero bastard”

“Way to take up my spot. Eat sh*t and die 4 eva. You R A poophead.”

“You’re a joke. F**k off, Sh*tbrains.”

“I love your bravery. Heart Clarissa.”

“Gargle my goulash Butthole! Signed, Everybody”

“Hey a**holes. This guy is MY enemy. Don’t you butt-faces insult him. He’s MINE. –JB”

“Dear Douche, Why must you trouble my mostly peaceful mind with your selfish parking. You occupied an entire spot when you could have parked betwixt two other vehicles. People like you make a blight on society. Who cares about ISIS: this really gets me hot in the pants. F**k you–signed Everyone.”

“If not for you, I would’ve beaten my wife. Thank you for giving me something retarded to get mad about.”

“Great parking job”–No One Ever

“You smell! Like butt. Fuk off.”

“I would have had sex tonite if not for your terrible excuse for a sneaky poop. p.s.: I hate: JB”

“You park like an asshole and you (probably) smell like one too. Way to suck. –the Universe.”

“Hey F**kface, Why don’t you marry a fat chick so you can park your business in a wide space instead of F**KING with our parking spot. –F**k off.”

Dear Vespa Guy: I tore off every single message this morning so you wouldn’t have to be greeted with that kind of vitriol next time you had to go to work. You may be confused by the scotch tape left behind, but so be it. Hey–you may even actually be a jerk. I dunno. But I know a bigger jerk left the first message on your scooter. And since I’m fond of saying the Golden Rule can often be bankrupt, I know an even bigger jerk left a second message, an even bigger one the third or fifteenth. I’m also very turned off when people resort to ‘retarded’ or ‘fat-chick’ as means of insult; in which case, Vespa Guy, please park however the fuck you want.


3 thoughts on “Dear, Mr. Vespa Guy

  1. On the one hand, he parked poorly to phrase it kindly. I drove an actual motorcycle (oooohhh look at the big man… I know, I know), but Vespas go in the yard or on the sidewalk.

    That said, you did a nice thing, but twice and you’re enabling. Beware the stickies in your future.

  2. First of all, he parked poorly, to say it kindly. I drove an actual motorcycle (oooohhh look at the big man. I know, I know.), but Vespas go in the yard or on the sidewalk.

    That said, you did a nice thing, but twice is enabling.

    Beware the stickies in your future.

  3. Damn, I worked hard on coming up with 87 notes all for the purpose of trying to make sure he never parked like that again and in one fell swoop you killed my work. 🙂

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